Am I being controlling or are they?

Control is about whose world is shrinking: who decides where you go, who you talk to, what’s on your phone, and what happens when someone says no. The question that cuts through is simple. Could either of you say no to a shared location, a password or a ‘who were you with?’ text without paying for it in anger, silence or a fight?

If the honest answer is no, something has crossed from closeness into control. That’s true whichever direction it runs, including toward you.

Is sharing locations controlling?

Not by itself. Plenty of people share locations with roommates, siblings and the group chat, and it’s just logistics.

Say you’re Tomás, 21, five months into your first real relationship with Reese, 22. A few weeks in, Reese asked to share locations “like everyone does,” and you said sure. Now, if you’re at a friend’s place past midnight, a text arrives: “why are you still at Danny’s?” And here’s the part you don’t love admitting. When Reese goes out with coworkers, you open the map too. Then you send “who’s there?” Then you wait.

That’s exactly where this question lives. It’s rarely one villain. It’s two people in their first relationship picking up a habit that feels normal because everyone around them does it.

Here’s how normal it’s become. In research by Australia’s eSafety Commissioner, which surveyed more than 2,000 adults about tech-based control, 18.6% of 18 to 24 year olds said it was reasonable to expect to track a romantic partner whenever they want.1 Australia isn’t your campus, and that’s a survey of attitudes, not behavior. But the point travels: “everyone does it” is not the same as “both of us chose it.”

The test is consent and cost. Location sharing that either person can switch off with a shrug is a setting. Location sharing you’re afraid to switch off is a leash.

Where does checking in turn into checking up?

Checking in sounds like “home safe?” once, at the end of the night. Checking up sounds like a running audit.

In a 2016 survey of 365 college students, Lauren Reed, Richard Tolman and Monique Ward found that digital monitoring was among the most common forms of what they call digital dating abuse: using a phone or the internet to control, pressure or threaten a partner.2 Students who experienced it were also more likely to report physical, sexual and psychological dating violence.2 That’s an association across a group, not a prediction about Reese or about you.

Love is respect, a dating-abuse resource focused on young adults, lists what this looks like in phone terms: constant texting and calling, checking where you are or who you’re with, tracking you through location apps, and texting so much you feel you can’t put the phone down without being punished.3 It also says, plainly, that you don’t have to share passwords and it’s okay to turn off your phone.3

So sort the facts from the reading. “Reese texted ‘why are you still at Danny’s?’ at 12:40” is a fact. “Reese doesn’t trust me” is a reading. The pattern you’re looking for isn’t one text. It’s whether the questions keep coming, whether there’s a cost when you don’t answer, and whether your plans have started bending around them.

What about sharing passwords?

Password sharing isn’t automatically a red flag. In a 2024 survey of 948 adults in or recently out of relationships, researchers Vendemia and Bevan found that younger people were more likely to share social media passwords with a partner.4

Why people share matters more than whether they share. People who shared because of distrust or suspicion reported lower relationship satisfaction.4 In other words, a password handed over freely is a gesture. A password handed over to end an interrogation is a symptom.

What if the controlling one is you?

If you read this far feeling a little sick, that’s worth taking seriously, and it’s also a good sign. People who are worried about their own behavior are usually the ones who can change it.

Being anxious explains the urge. It doesn’t make the checking okay. Love is respect puts it simply: continually checking up on a partner and controlling who they see is wrong, and if you might be responsible for behaviors like that, it helps to take accountability and get help.5

What that looks like this week:

• Stop the monitoring first, explain later. Turn off your view of their location. Stop asking for screenshots or “proof.”
• Own it without asking to be comforted. “I’ve been checking on you too much, and that’s mine to fix” is enough. Don’t make them reassure you about your own guilt.
• Notice what sets you off. A late reply? Their coworker’s name? Write it down when it happens instead of texting it.
• Get real help. A licensed therapist or your campus counseling center can work on the fear underneath. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (linked on this page) also hears from people concerned that their own behavior may be unhealthy, treats them with respect, and can point them to programs for changing it.6

Changing doesn’t mean you become the bad guy in your own story. It means the next week looks different from the last one.

What if it’s them?

You don’t need to prove anything, win an argument, or be sure before you reach out. If you’ve started editing your plans to avoid questions, or you feel nervous when your phone buzzes, that’s enough reason to talk to someone.

Don’t plan a big confrontation about it. Tell a friend you trust what actually happens, and use the hotline linked below. An advocate can listen, help you sort what you’re seeing, and help you make a plan to stay safe, whatever you decide.

What to do this week

• Write only the facts. Three real moments, with times and what was said. Leave out what you think they meant.
• Ask yourself the cost question. If you turned off location sharing tomorrow with no reason given, what would happen? If you can’t answer calmly, notice that.
• Check your own half. What do you check, and what do you ask for? Be honest. Nobody else is reading this list.
• If it’s yours, ask once and accept the answer. Offer them a real out (“do you actually want to keep sharing locations? Either answer is fine”) and then live with whatever they say.
• Take it out of the group chat. Five friends voting on a screenshot won’t help. One trusted person, a counselor or an advocate will.
• If you feel afraid of a partner, contact the hotline below. That’s what it’s for.

What doesn’t the research show?

• The eSafety figure is about attitudes in Australia, not how many people actually track partners or what happens in your relationship.1
• The college study was one survey of college students. It links digital monitoring with other dating violence but can’t say one causes the other.2
• The password study measured reasons and satisfaction at one point in time, so it can’t tell you whether sharing helped or hurt any particular couple.4
• None of this can tell you what’s in someone’s head, yours or theirs. It can only help you see the pattern and decide who to talk to.