Is long distance worth it in your 20s?

It can work, and it can feel wonderful while it does. That feeling just isn’t a reliable forecast: in one U.S. study, long-distance couples felt more secure than couples living nearby and broke up just as often.1 What does seem to matter is certainty. People who feel sure they’ll end up in the same city report less stress and more satisfaction than people who don’t.3

Why does long distance feel so good, then fall apart?

In a large U.S. study, Gretchen Kelmer and colleagues compared people in long-distance relationships with people who lived near their partners.1 The long-distance group actually reported better relationships on several measures, more dedication, and less of a trapped feeling.1 They also thought they were less likely to break up.1

Then the researchers checked back. The long-distance couples had broken up just as often as everyone else.1 That doesn’t make long distance worse in itself. A separate online study found people in long-distance dating relationships weren’t at a disadvantage on relationship quality, and the same personal and relationship traits predicted how things went.5

The end of the distance is its own risk point, too. In a study of long-distance couples who became geographically close, about a third broke up within three months of reuniting.4

One way to read that: when you only see each other on visits, you get the best version of the relationship. The dull Tuesday stuff, like who does the dishes or what you’re like when you’re stressed, mostly happens off-screen. That’s lovely, and it can also hide problems until you’re finally in the same city.

Does the distance itself make it harder?

A German study suggests it can. Sandra Krapf followed couples aged 20 to 40 who lived apart.2 Those who needed an hour or more to reach each other were more likely to split up, and less likely to move in together, than those who lived closer.2

The research doesn’t say long distance is doomed. It says distance makes the in-between stage harder to keep going, so it’s worth deciding together where it’s headed.

What should you ask before you commit?

Maya and Theo met in their last year of college. Then she got a job in Chicago and he started a program in Atlanta. They spent the first few months texting all day, and both said it was the best relationship they’d had.

The question that changed things wasn’t “do we love each other?” It was “who moves, and when?” Theo assumed Maya would come to him after two years. Maya hadn’t thought past the first one.

Questions worth asking early:

• Do you both expect to live in the same place eventually? College students who were unsure they’d ever share a city were more distressed and less satisfied than those who felt sure.3
• Who would move, and what would they give up? Be specific: a job, friends, a city they love.
• How often will we see each other, and who pays for it? Travel costs add up, so talk about them early.
• What does “checking in” mean for each of us? One call a day? Texts whenever? Mismatched expectations here feel like a lack of love when they aren’t. Our guide on how often to text when you’re starting out can help you compare notes.

If you can’t get a clear answer about what this is in the first place, read situationship or relationship? before you plan any flights.

So, is it worth it?

It’s worth it when you both want the same thing at the end of it and you’re each willing to do something to get there. It’s harder to justify when the distance is open-ended and only one of you is planning. It’s a clear answer, even if it isn’t the one you wanted.

What the studies leave out

• The Kelmer and Krapf studies didn’t look only at people in their 20s, so treat their findings as general rather than age-specific.12
• The certainty study surveyed college students and shows a link with stress and satisfaction, not with who stays together.3
• The reunion findings come from one study, so they’re a narrow look at what happens once the distance ends.4
• The German data come from one country, with its own distances, transit and job market.2
• Maya and Theo are made-up examples, not real people.